Slowly removing myself from an old friends life. I hope they don’t notice but I secretly hope they do. Don’t you just hate emotions?!
I lost control yesterday. My thoughts consumed my being and caused me to say some things that weren’t okay. Somethings I did say were better than okay but unfortunately they didn’t believe me as usual. There are reasons why I don’t like to tell people how I feel or trust people. They chalk it up as some joke or something like that.
I’m starting to feel better all around though. I’m finally calm. All my nerves are down. It still bothers me that I lost control like that. But I mean it’s my reality and I was in such denial that it made things worse. I’m myself again. Now I just need to work on staying myself and not letting my past creep up on me and rock me like that.
The main message I learned during this; Learn to love your pace. Learn to feel every emotion. Learn to be stronger than your thoughts of yourself and your problems.
I’m working on me especially this week. I just started the #100happydays challenge and so far. I find myself looking around at all the things that make me happy instead of all the things that piss me off.
I think I love someone who doesn’t love me. This is also racking my brain and fucking my emotions all the way up. I can’t believe after all these years, I still love them. Like what the hellll?! I used to run and hide from the feeling with others, which I’ve learned is not really healthy for me. Now I embrace that feeling. But it’s hard to embrace the feeling when it’s one sided…. *sigh*
Hopefully recovery doesn’t last too long though… I got shit to do!
I had a pretty okay day today. Started off bad but ended up turning around for the better. I am starting to get control again and I’m too siced for it to actually happen. It’s only a matter of time before I have things under control again and living life to the fullest like I’m supposed to do.
I believe that everything happens for a reason and that I’m struggling so bad right now for a reason.Not sure what but I know it’s not in vain.
A past event resurfaced. And while I thought I was over it, my tears tell me otherwise. How can one event have so much control over you that you constantly think about it. I know I’m better than this but sometimes the bad thoughts outweigh the good.
Wish it was easier to handle but it’s not. Wish I could say more but I can’t… Goodnight…
"Even if you don’t love me anymore."
Today, me and my bestfriend checked out this recording studio on N Charles Street. After we left, we literally sat in the car speechless at the amount of talent that came through that damn studio. But actually. It got me so excited to start recording again and working with different people who have the same passion for music that I do.
I am so happy that I’ve had the opportunity to get in contact with these places and people. Now that I’ve graduated, I might actually have time to get back to my music almost full time.
Today, I hope that you’ve stepped outside of your comfort zone to try and reach a goal that you’ve always set. I’ve met and networked with people who are in a field that I only dream of making it into. Stepping outside of my comfort zone allowed me to meet them and this hardwork that follows will get me one step closer to my music: My heart and soul.
Today, I’m going to go to the gym to workout. I usually workout at home because I think that I’m not in shape enough to go to the gym. As stupid as that sounds, that’s the way that I think and I’m tired of thinking that way. I’m in decent shape and the only way I’m going to get to the next level is by overcoming that fear. That fear of judgement in all aspects of my life. Anyone who knows me knows, I don’t give a FUCK about what people think of me! But for some reason, going to the gym scares the fuck outta me sometimes. I love working out, and I love the gym but for some reason I refuse to go because of what others will think of my skinny ass in the gym bahahahah lol
Well, today is the day that I throw that fuck away as well. I’m tired of living in fear and not making myself better because of what other people think. And in actuality, they probably don’t think two shits about what I’m doing while I’m in there because I definitely don’t think about them lol. The way the human mind works is crazy.
Today, I challenge everyone to give up one fear and step outside of your comfort zone to achieve something you want. You might be surprised of the doors that open up because of it.
Today, I started to exercise not only my body but my craft. I did a ton of vocal exercises to improve my vocal ability and vocal range. I really miss my voice lessons. They really challenged me to get my highest potential and I think they have helped me TREMENDOUSLY! I definitely have to find a vocal coach in DC when I get there.
Today is a simple one. Yesterday you acknowledged your skillset. Now its time to improve and strengthen the things you’re good at to be great at it. And if you’re already great, be fantastic and amazing and perfect at it. There is ALWAYS room for improvement. So it’s very important to begin strengthening those skills with the expectation that it may take a VERY long time to get to the level you want to be at by the end of the process.
Yesterday, was all about acknowledging my past and celebrating my progress.
Today, was all about acknowledging my skills and celebrating them as well. In the past, I have always looked at someone elses abilities and been envious, wishing I could do what they do as they do it. I realize that my skillset makes me so unique. No one has exactly the same skillset that I have and that is what makes me a great-me.
I went to see the Wizard of Oz at The Lyric Opera House and though it was a great performance, I couldn’t help but wish it were me out there. I can do all of those things that they were doing. And some of their voices weren’t all that impressive if you ask me. But nonetheless, it was an amazing show. I really want to get back on stage. It gave/gives me so much joy and happiness. But that step comes from me acknowledging my skillset, establishing that confidence within myself to push through the fear and difficult moments, and committing 100%. I’m still working on the confidence part because I am not where I want to be but I’m closer than I think. I usually am.
Today, I charge everyone to take a serious inventory of they’re skillset and appreciate the things you are good at. Stop coveting the gifts of others. You are who you are for a reason. Accept your truth and love it. I’ve wasted sooo much time looking at other people work hard to succeed at their craft, wishing I could do what they do, that I forgot about working hard at my own craft to develop my skills to be the best at what I do. That is no more. Believe in yourself because even if no one does, your happiness will stem from within.
- Abhaya Mudra